Normally a title like that would obviously refer to a bad run, a lame-o workout or a total day of slovenly veg’ing on the couch complete with chips and pop!  However, today I’m using that illustrious title to refer to what I did today.

In another effort at getting ready for our accident mediation, I had to attend a 5-hr vocational assessment today.  Yup, we’re talking hours of aptitude testing, endless questions and discussions such as, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”  I can appreciate where it’s all coming from – being left unable to work full time at engineering due to the ongoing pain and limitations in my back and serious fatigue issues, the defense is trying to get at what else I could do.  It’s a good exercise for sure, but hard not to be a bit resentful over it since I figure they’re likely just going to say, “Well, she can’t do engineering anymore, but here is a list of 20 other things she can do!”

To be honest, that’s the reality of it.  I know I am lucky to not have been paralyzed or anything like that.  However, the injuries I did sustain have left their own wake of destruction and residual problems and therefore have affected almost every part of my life, including work.  I can’t really practise engineering in a meaningful way anymore because my body physically cannot handle working full time.  However, being limited to only a part time capacity also seriously limits other things I can do.

I realize there are tons of things I ‘could’ do.  Other jobs I could get and likely be quite good at.  What sucks though, is that I didn’t choose those jobs.  I don’t want those jobs.  There’s a reason I went into engineering, and NOT those other jobs in the first place.  Maybe I’m being a brat, but I already went to university and worked my ass off to get that engineering degree.  I struggled and persevered and found a way to achieve what I needed to in order to graduate and get the job I wanted.  There is so much pride in having completed that degree and in being good at what I did with it after graduation.  I loved my job and I loved being an engineer.  Even though I’m not practising, I still wear my iron ring with pride and likely always will.

True, there are other jobs I could do, but they don’t carry all of those things above, you know?  I worked so hard and was so proud of something that I’ve now lost.  Anything else just seems like such a very distant second place and that just doesn’t feel good enough.  I know, I know, I’m whining.  But this is all really upsetting and has been a huge source of heartache and disappointment since the accident.  I’ve worked with counsellors over it and everything and it’s something I prefer not to think about all the time.  Being at home on mat leave has been a welcome distraction from the reality that I really don’t know what comes next in terms of my career – to be honest it just kinda feels like I don’t have one anymore.  And, being there today and having to talk about all of it, in great detail, just really got to me and I embarrassingly ended up breaking down over it in the poor guy’s office.  I even sat in my car for a few minutes before I left to have a good little cry.

Oh crap, I know there’s nothing I can do about it but be positive and try to find something meaningful to move forward with, but sometimes it just feels good to vent and whine in the meantime.  :o) 

In other news, I am about 75-80% sure I might have felt the baby move last night.  I’m only 13 weeks and that would normally be pretty early to feel movement.  But given that it’s my second babe and I actually know what I’m feeling for this time, I just might be right.  Either that, or it was just a huge fart bubble moving around in my tummy.  Hmm, fart bubble or baby?  I think I’ll vote baby…

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  1. MCM Mama    

    You have every right to be resentful and having to go through all this to finish the mediation just makes it that much harder. Hopefully when it’s over, you’ll be able to make peace with it.

    Yay for feeling the baby move. I felt both of my boys really early, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

  2. Jess    

    It’s good to be positive, but it’s also therapeutic to throw yourself a pity party every once in awhile. And, I agree with MCM Mama that you do have a right to be resentful; you just don’t want that resentment to turn into bitterness. That can sour your life.

    Yay for feeling the baby move! So exciting!

  3. StephanieC    

    As above seconded. It does suck that your hard work now seems to have no out put. But perhaps you will find something you would never have dreamed of doing where the same principles/ education will be put in to practice. Good luck and keep your chin up. And also, vent all you like!

  4. Runner Leana    

    It can’t be easy to be having to go through all of the pain of the accident and the consequences again and again for the settlement. I’m sure that no one would want to relive that or be reminded of it again and again. I really feel for you Nikki, I know how much you loved engineering and I don’t blame you at all for not wanting a back up. Hopefully once this is all over it will be easier to move on. Keep your chin up, hopefully this will all be over soon. But that is exciting that you felt the baby move!!!!

    Take care! :)

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